i swear, when i have babies someday...

At some point in our lives we look at other parents - maybe our own, maybe our friends who have had children before us, maybe random people we see at the supermarket or the park with their kids in tow - and we start making a mental list of all the things we swear we will or won't do when we have children of our own someday.

And then we have kids and realize how hilariously naive we were pre-baby.

These are all things I actually said or thought before having a baby myself...

I will:

• Have the perfect birth experience; everything will go exactly as planned (so much so that I don't even really need a birth plan)
• Still have sex after I have kids
• Still have time to cook and never succumb to only eating frozen meals and take out
• Still shower every day and brush my hair and put on real clothes
• Still be as close with non-baby-having friends as I was before baby
• Fill out one of those Baby's First Whatever books every day and find time to write down every milestone no matter how small
• Lose all the baby weight super fast and be one of those hot new moms that everyone believes is the baby's sister or aunt or something
• Exclusively breastfeed for the first year (Yes, a whole year of only breast milk! Hey, that's how they do it in other parts of the world!! Why not me? Breastfeeding's a breeze, right?)
• Read baby Shakespeare while listening to classical music every day

I will never:

• Give my baby a pacifier
• Let having children get in the way of my relationship with my partner
• Be embarrassed or ashamed of breastfeeding in public
• Use a stroller (crazily enough, I still thought this one even after finding out I was having twins!)
• Leave my baby unattended, even for a second
• Use anything made of plastic
• Swear in front of my baby
• Be one of those moms who only talks about her baby 24/7
• Feel guilty about any choices I make as a parent
• Give my baby anything other than breast milk straight from my boob
• Give my baby formula
• Use disposable diapers
• Be on my phone texting or surfing the internet in front of my baby
• Prop a bottle up on a stuffed animal
• Be one of those crazy parents who doesn't vaccinate their child - how irresponsible!!!
• Vaccinate my child - those things are full of crazy chemicals!!!
• Drink a beer while breastfeeding (or glass of wine while pumping)
• Be one of those new moms whose blog/fb consists solely of updates about how baby drools or sleeps or rolls over and photo after photo of their baby drooling or sleeping or rolling over
• Get angry at my baby - it's just a little helpless baby!

Also:

• My baby will be a good baby that will never cry for no reason because I will be so in tune with him/her that I will always know what they need.
• Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you need a car; if I can't walk, bike or bus there, we don't need to go there.
• Everyone says having kids is the hardest thing ever but they are wimps; I was made to be a mommy and this will be a breeze.

I'm sure I will just keep adding to this list as my boys get older. Anyone else out there have any hilarious pre-baby notions of their own to add?