The other night I had my first baby nightmare. There was a man in a suit and bowler hat with dark sunglasses following us and I knew he was going to hurt my babies in unspeakable ways. I've had pretty terrifying dreams before, but this was something new. This was an earth-shattering fear, one that I could feel in my bones, one that shook me to my core. It was feeling helpless for something as helpless as your own innocent child.
It was awful.
I haven't had many dreams about my babies since becoming a mom, and while part of me feels this means I'm truly a mother, protecting her babes even while sleeping, there's another part of me in there that was suddenly incredibly aware of all the fears that come along with being a parent.
What do I do if there's an earthquake? If we're in a car accident? If, as local current events brought to mind, we are driving across a bridge and it collapses?!!! How do you decide who to unbuckle from their carseat first? What do you do if someone hurts them in unspeakable ways? How are you supposed to protect them from all the uncontrollable evils of the world?
This is where my amazing husband comes in. He gets home from work. He comforts me. He tells me everything is alright. And it is. He tells me we can't control everything. We are good parents, we love our children, we do our best to protect them and that's all we can do. And I know he's right.
If our car goes off a collapsing bridge, I will do everything in my power to save both my babies. A bridge collapsing as I'm driving over it - that's out of my control. It won't happen. Not to us.
Even though I know my husband is right, tonight I'm locking my doors, I'm checking under the bed for the man in the bowler hat and I'm praying to all the gods that no earthquake shakes the ground we sleep on for at least another night. Not tonight. Not this first night of my first summer with my first babies. Let the earth quake another day.
What are your greatest fears?